Curiosity killed the cat, and satisfaction brought her back.

“Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back”

A few years ago, while pulling into a Whole Foods parking lot, I realized why I don’t normally accept the mainstream thing right from the start. I don’t accept the mainstream because it forces me to look at the question at hand. I don’t accept the mainstream because it forces me to be curious, look at all angles, ask myself intimate questions and decide upon appropriate action. Sometimes, I decide to go with the mainstream flow, and sometimes I find a side channel that better suits me ( okay, a lot of times). But, the point is, that initial refusal is met with questions from me to me. 

When I coached my very first practice client I left over the moon. When coaching, my authentic curiosity is used on purpose by my client. They want me to ask powerful questions! It’s such an awesome fit. Because, sometimes out in the wide open world- people don’t want you to wonder “how come”. 

This week’s Saturday morning check in is just that. As you look back over last week you will realize you made a million in the moment decisions. You will probably remember the ones you “didn’t like” more than the ones you did. Look back, pick a few, and ask yourself “how come”.

How come I didn’t want to go to Martha’s dinner party?

How come I decided on that place to sit?

How come my child’s behavior was irritating me?

How come I felt anxious at Costco? ( I know but this one, man! I’ve asked myself many times)

How come I wanted to go to that party?

How come I wanted to leave early?

How come I refused that chocolate cake?

How come I ate that brownie?

Sounds daunting? Don’t have time for that? Worried about what you’ll find?

You don’t have to change you behaviors, you don’t have to change your actions, and you don’t have to do it all the time. But a little digging every now and then (especially when we intuitively know we are bypassing) will let you know yourself better. You may find you didn’t want to go to Martha’s party because she throws such great ones, and you wish you did too. That’s about you,  not Martha. That information is special and worth knowing. 

Obstacles Mean You Are Part of the Universe, not out of alignment with it

It’s said that a move can be as stressful as a death. I wouldn’t go that far ( but then I have a lot of stress management skill). Moving is hard. It is said that launching a business is like a birth. And I guess launching a second business is like birthing with experience. Which we all know actually means you know what can go wrong! It is hard. I hope you are not under the impression that manifesting your dreams is easy. It will hurt more if you feel that way. I hope you are not under the impression that once you are in alignment with your true self and the universe all will come. It will not. It will. And it won’t again. It’s all okay. Things going “wrong” means you are part of the universe. All that is hard. Not one step of this journey has gone “in our favor”.  Not one. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t in alignment. Never once have I wished we didn’t do this. Not one moment am I not grateful that we did. 

If you are up for early morning drives to drop your soulmate at work so you can use the car, talking about how all this will work and what it all means. Then, you should give living-your-dream-thing a try. The view is breathtaking.

5 Barriers to Intimate Connection ( and how to dissolve them)

Intimate connection is sweet. It makes all the drudgery of life seem like a small price to pay for this existence. This experience is available to everyone but we often keep ourselves closed off from the very connection we are seeking. Below are 5 barriers that keep us from connecting deeply with ourselves, our people, and the universe. 

#1 FEAR

This sounds so obvious. Of course fear gets in the way of intimate connection, fear keeps us from all sorts of wonderful opportunities. And, that’s true. But fear is sneaky. Fear wears so many disguises. When fear is a barrier to connection it is usually disguised so well you don’t recognize it. In healthy relationships, we aren’t afraid of our partners, but fear can still keep us from connecting with them. Fear they will leave us, fear they don’t love us, fear we don’t make them happy, fear they aren’t happy. Those seem pretty common, right? But you have to keep digging. What about the fear that we aren’t happy? That one can hide under all sorts of covers. In order to be vulnerable enough to have an intimate connection, we need to understand what our vulnerabilities are and that involves investigating fear. It involves looking for the fear that is hiding in plain sight and the fears that we are so comfortable with we aren’t even aware they are there. 

#2 Resentment/Competition 

Resentment and competition are like metaphorical twins: the same and different. The term “friendly competition” may be common but its execution is not. If you are in a relationship with yourself or someone else and you are keeping tabs on “winners," you are probably breeding resentment. You may even be breeding resentment for yourself. Competition is comparison. We just can’t compare contributions in a relationship and have it come out “fair”. That does not mean it isn’t just.  In order to decide if contributions are just we need to listen to our emotions but not act upon them. “ I see I am irritated my spouse didn’t do the dishes”. We can watch this emotion play out and see where it goes. If we take action on the aggravation we cut off an opportunity to learn where it was really coming from and where it was really going. Most likely, that aggravation comes from a disguised fear. 

#3 Punishment Mindset

Punishment is prevalent in our culture. We hand out punishment with tone of voice, body language, and bitter words. We often don’t even notice or really mean it. A little huff when our child asks for something after we have put it away, a raised eyebrow when a colleague makes too much noise at a meeting, a cold shoulder when someone comes to bed too late. Why do we do these things? Punishment is not ours to pass out. It is a lot of work and our nervous system picks up on it. You do not need to let hurts go, you do not need to fulfill every request but we also do need to address these things directly and with kindness. Punishment happens naturally in this world. There are natural consequences for everything, and sometimes the natural consequence for someone else will be that you are angry. That’s okay, just make sure that you aren’t handing out little punishments all day long without awareness. Most of us are. 

#4 Unrecognized Gratitude

We are grateful for another sunrise with our families. Sometimes we forget to recognize the little things that are really big. Just because they happen everyday and are common occurrences doesn’t make them a given. Maybe that is why it is so hard to express gratitude for the breath in our lungs and the fact we all made it home at the end of the day. Maybe when we express that gratitude we entertain the possibility it is fragile. It is. Accepting that truth makes it okay to take a little longer putting on a child’s shoe. It makes every moment a gift. That doesn’t mean we have to love every minute of every day, but it does make it easier to find the magic we might otherwise miss. 

#5 Refusing Permission 

You are allowed to enjoy this life. You are allowed to enjoy your body. You are allowed to enjoy your partner. You are allowed to revel in your children. You are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to be intimate with this life and find all the juicy fruit within your existence. Only you have the power to give yourself this permission, don’t refuse it. 

The BEST way to connect with your intuition

Maybe you are pretty comfortable with intuition or maybe you would like to live more intuitively. Either way, the question still comes up: How do I know if it is intuition or something else? This is a good question! It means you are practicing self-inquiry. It is not self-doubt, but a real deep and honest question. What is the best way to connect with your intuition and answer this question? Living intuitively sounds pretty easy, but it is not. It sounds pretty glamorous too, and it’s not. I’m going to tell you the best way to connect with your intuition but I don’t want you to roll your eyes and stop listening. Stick with me, and I will explain. The best way to connect with your intuition is practice. Boring, right? Actually, this is where living intuitively gets exciting and adventurous and fun. Living intuitively is not straightforward, and it is not doing whatever you want. It often is doing what you DON’T want. But, once you have committed to this practice you start to see the magic of connection between yourself and the whole universe. 

I will illustrate with a story from my own practice:

This week an opportunity arose that seemed like it was a good thing. This opportunity met all my requirements, it fit my schedule, and it fulfilled a need. I was excited about this opportunity at first, and even pursued it. But, as I started to accept the possibility of this opportunity becoming reality, I started to resist. I really, really started to resist. This did not feel right. But, it was a good thing and I should do it. AND it fulfilled those needs, remember. I needed this, didn’t I? And that’s when something spoke up to me. I remembered, because I practice intuition and self inquiry that I do not and have not ever resisted something that needed doing. My pattern is to wholeheartedly and excitedly approach any task which needs doing, no matter how hard and no matter how painful. I do not skirt discomfort and I turn it into something palatable. But, I was not doing that here. Why not? Why was I resisting this so hard? I mean, I was like actually walking around crying about this opportunity that days before I had chased. What was up? 

My intuition was telling me I should not do this and my practical self was saying I should. The thing about intuition is we can’t only listen when it feels good. I know it sounds like here it felt bad, but what actually felt really scary was turning down this opportunity without knowing what would come ( if anything) next. My intuition was telling me to wait and say no, but that was really uncomfortable. I wanted to say yes ( and fill up those needs) and I wanted to tell myself that my bad feelings were make believe. AND, I could have. BUT, I chose not to. I decided that I have had a lot of practice listening to my intuition and even though this was a really big thing, I needed to trust my inner voice over my head here. So I did. I called and turned down the opportunity. I shut that door. Immediately, the anxious concerns coming from my intuition calmed. I was happy. I was happy I had turned down this chance and opened up room for others. I was happy despite having lots of unanswered questions and lots of needs that needed meeting. Throughout the rest of my evening I felt only relief that I had closed that door. That night, I slept all through the night for the first time in weeks. My inner voice was at rest, she didn’t wake me up in the middle of the night. And because I have practiced living this way, I know that means everything is okay. Without practice, I couldn’t trust. That’s what trust is, it is experience built upon by experience that provides a sense of truth. 

Luckily, living a mindful life is a very custom educational plan. Each step on your journey leads to the next. Your intuition is never going to ask too much of you, and your mindfulness practice and self-inquiry is never going to be more than you are able to handle. Each little jewel we find along the way helps us on the next deeper, steeper part of the path to enlightenment. Each step deeper within ourselves connects us more deeply with all there is. The only way up is down, the only way out is through. The only way to know is to take up the practice. The best way to deepen your intuition is to get intimate with yourself.