Forgiveness: Cultivating a Culture of Peace and Reconciliation, Week 4 Initial reaction:

From UMAINE, PAX 591 Week 4:

Truth. Honesty. How can we have authenticity or connection without them? 

"Agree to disagree" usually means agree not to talk about whatever the conflict is anymore as a way of maintaining a sense peace and connection. We are often told to do this "if we love people."

But, do you know me if we cannot talk or share about what hurts? ME wants to know you and hold you even as we disagree. For me, the very greatest and most painful thing you can do is hold me away. TRY to disconnect. Silence is not peace. And it is not loving. 

"Connection is why we're here" and "shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection" ( Brown, 2010), but that fear is already realized when we hold ourselves away from each other. To be a vulnerable and authentic person in a culture of "agree to disagree" and hide the truth is excruciating. That is a really bad marketing strategy for my work. "PLEASE, come be authentic with me its gonna hurt like hell." However, it is required for our freedom, for our connection, for our ability to really Love, giving and receiving. 

Those of us living authentically are usually the scapegoats, we are where people "discharge pain and discomfort" ( Brown, 2010). If you watch, look around your family and friends and all of our culture- you will find that we generally ask the person/group who is not actually the problem to change. It is scary to go talk to the problematic person/entity, the person who will yell loudly or cut you with their words ( or hands). So instead we go to the "nice person" as Oprah describes ( Brown, 2016). We go to the person we know will be willing to bend for us, and we tell them they are "the problem" and they should improve themselves if they want to be connected to us. We collectively ( as a country and a culture) tell the person we've identified as "a problem" ( DuBois, 1903) to become less of a problem ( for us) by becoming less like themselves, less courageous, and able to tell "story of who [they]are with [their] whole heart" ( Brown, 2010). But, really, the whole reason "they" are considered a problem is that dominant culture doesn't want to be authentic and get messy and be real and honest. The fear of being disconnected is already fulfilled, as soon as you cease to be vulnerable. 

'Dr. Brown, we loved your TED talk. We'd like you to come in and speak. We'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention vulnerability or shame.'

'What would you like for me to talk about?'

There's three big answers. This is mostly, to be honest with you, from the business sector: innovation, creativity and change. (Brown, 2012)

You cannot have innovation, creativity, and change without vulnerability because they require activity in the prefrontal cortex and anyone fearful of being seen will be living with their Sympathetic Nervous System in near-constant activation, unable to access the greatest capacity of their brain.

"Social Justice Folks, we loved your xxx talk. We'd like you to come in and speak. We'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention TRUTH or ACCOUNTABILITY.'

'What would you like for me to talk about?'

' Love and Unity'

But Truth and Accountability are synonyms for Love and Unity. What is really being asked is for acceptance. Dominant Culture wants acceptance from all the subcultures courageous enough to have withstood this severing of themselves. That acceptance is enabling, and it comes at a cost too high for individuals or humanity to pay. 

This shame and fear of vulnerability, if we unravel it instead, and let everyone out to see their radiant selves- then we can we have Love and Unity. It is not healing to accept anything less than Truth and Accountability. The people who are "the problem" are the solution, in almost every setting. Certainly when it comes to social justice, Black and Indigenous people have the longest and most detailed experience of knowing what is wrong and where we as a country need to change. We should listen to them. To be capable of really, really listening, people have to have the "compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly" ( Brown, 2012). 

"If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive" ( Brown, 2012). 

Consider the last time someone offered to help you. 

What reaction occurred in your body and mind? What did you feel in your body? What self-talk did you hear? Were you able to accept? How did accepting help feel?

References 

Brown, B. (2010). The power of vulnerability. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability

Brown, B. (2012).Listening to shame. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

Brown, B. (2016). Living brave with Brené Brown and Oprah Winfrey. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4u4J58YUB1Q&feature=emb_logo

DuBois, W.E.B. ( 1903). The souls of Black folk [PDF]. Retrieved from https://courses.maine.edu/d2l/le/content/143228/viewContent/4984183/View

How to align with the Wheel of the Year for Resolutions & Stages of Change

This time of year elicits reflection and dreaming. Some folks say that is arbitrary, a reaction to our imposed calendar year end. However, the end of our calendar year also aligns with the seasonal shifts. In the Northern Hemisphere, the ending of the calendar year coincides with the start of Winter and the end of the celebratory post-harvest season. This is a time of quiet and reflection. As one Earth cycle comes to an end, there is a natural pause which allows us space feel and think.

New Years resolutions are notorious for bold beginnings and fizzled endings, often leaving one with a sense of failure. It is not the resolution which was inappropriate but our method of execution. Big changes require careful attention, not will power.

When we are successful in making changes in our lives we complete a full cycle of the spiral of change.

The stages of change are:

Pre-contemplation: Haven’t thought about it, do not know that change is needed or wanted

Contemplation: Recognize a change is needed or wanted

Preparation: Organizing body, heart, mind, environment, and spirit in support of change

Action: Taking tangible steps towards new behaviors, actions, or ways of being

Maintenance: Learning to sustain these new behaviors, actions, or ways of being

Relapse: Re-emergence of old behaviors, actions, or ways of being

All of these stages can happen at any time of year, and we can use the natural rhythms of life on Earth to support those changes we want to see in for ourselves and our world.

At New Year, or during Early Winter, we want to be gently observing the past year cycle and creating a vision of what we want to manifest in the year ahead. It is not the time for swooping changes or bold action- it is a time of observance. It is a time for accepting what is possible. ( Contemplation)

Late Winter and Early Spring are times for planning. We choose the seeds of change we want to plant and decided which need to be planted where, which will have barriers and what kind of supports our future garden will need. (Planning)

Late Spring and Early Summer are a time of action. Those seeds are starting to sprout and need constant attention and nourishment. ( Action)

In Late Summer and Autumn, we see the effects of our dedication and the manifestation of our dreams/plans. Now we will need to learn new skills in order to engage the benefits from all we have harvested. How will be preserve and persevere? Making changes is followed by learning to live sustainably with our new actions, behaviors, and way of being. ( Maintenance)

Relapse can happen anywhere along the way, and planning for relapse will help us minimize the impact on our forward direction. Change is a spiral, a cycle, just like the Wheel of the Year- when we embrace them they can help us create the world in which we want to live.

No Need to fear Fear.

I am afraid. I’m afraid of covid-19. I’m afraid of the flu. I’m afraid of someone crossing that yellow line. I’m afraid of ice that cracks. I’m afraid of airplanes that crash. I’m afraid of mass shooters. I’m afraid of power tools and I’m afraid of fires. I’m afraid of water, sometimes. I’m afraid of hunger. I’m afraid of misunderstanding. I’m afraid of anything that might create separation ( especially life and death separation)between me and my children, husband, family, community and work. But, I don’t live in fear- I live in love. 

My life of love facilitates fears- they remind me of the miraculous sanctity of life. They foster respect and honor the place of dangers. I cannot love or respect something if I do not honor its Truth. This world is a place that provides one way in and an infinite number of ways out. I snuggle up to my fears, and get to know them well, because they are just tender reminders of what I cherish. 

(Persist as Love is one of my favorite of Paul’s mantras/talks and especially appropriate right now. You can find the recording from The Whole Health Center here )

Propensity for Peace

We can argue all the -isms and philosophies but we forget those are all designed to control each other. Any system designed with the foundation of distrust will lead to corruption and require us to re-design the system. Which then we do with even more structures to control for disorder. The issue here being that wellness cannot grow from distrust. As we assess how our current systems need adjustment, let’s remember that it’s our deep inner systems that have created these systemic issues. We are still carrying the response of trauma from thousands of years ago- we act out those traumas through our biases and cultural conditioning to fear ourselves and each other. We pass them to our children. I don’t want us to waste anymore precious existence. Instead of controlling for issues of disorder, what if we built our systems around positive regard? 

What if when we were scared we asked what was needed to soothe the feeling rather than what we needed to feel protected from feeling it? 

Most people think this is all crazy talk, but what do we call the talk we’ve been talking? There is precedent for cultures led by love rather than fear. We are tethered to each other in love, that is why we keep arguing. That is why we keep trying. It’s just past time to bravely try differently. 

Propensity for Peace Presentation