There are two aspects of bedtime routine that I definitely didn't recognize in the beginning. At the start of motherhood I wasn’t aware that routine and calming does not mean boring. And secondly, I really thought the routine was for the benefit of the child. Both these conceptions have changed over 13 years of bedtimes.
Since my eldest was about 6 months old, our bedtime routine has been basically the same with minor adjustments for new family members and the childrens' ages. I love each part of our ritual and that probably has much to do with why it has been so long lasting and helpful. One part I hold very dear is our thankful journal and candle wishes. I am often surprised or touched by what is on the minds of my children. Noting what they are thankful for having and looking forward to experiencing makes me more mindful of the sweet moments of childhood I try so hard to cherish. I worry about their baby-selves dissolving into adults and me forgetting the day to day details of their little thoughts and words and deeds. These journals pacify that concern and give me something tangible of my children to hold onto forever.
Maybe it is the gratitude that I feel in relation to the thankful journals which leads me to believe that the bedtime routine is as much (if not more) for me, than them. Even the most pleasant day of running a household is immensely challenging. All mothers are familiar with the panic feel that sometimes comes with bedtime. Inside your brain is this “hurry, hurry, we are almost done” chant, which is not conducive to relaxing small folks. This results in them staying awake longer and mother’s patience and exhaustion and need for quiet reaching a fearful roar within her. Then, when these most beloved creatures do fall asleep, she is frustrated, and not really feeling like the awesome woman she is in truth. So, this whole bedtime routine thing- it’s an aide to get them to sleep, but also to do so in a way that leaves me feeling complete and overwhelmed with connection and gratitude. It means I can finish the day, one of the hardest parts of the day, with a sense of contentment in my role as the mother of these beings. So, my routine is personal, it is what makes me feel well and whole. In following this ritual, I am peaceful and happy. Every child knows their peaceful, happy mama and their stressed and exhausted mama. They will have a much easier time drifting into sleep knowing mama is happy. Because to them, that means their whole wide world is safe and good. So we do our thankfuls, and blow out our candle and I read a picture book and then a chapter book. They drift off listening to the sound of my voice, which sounds comforting because I am happy to read the chapter book. On nights when I cannot muster the reading, I do indeed read to myself or check emails on my phone. Because anything that puts my body into a state of calm is really going to do the “ go to sleep” trick with my child. And doing the “routine” thing, without it making my breath and body steady, will not help my child fall asleep. The real routine is falling asleep next to a calm mama, the rituals help me to be calm, the calm mama who is part of the routine.
After 13 years of bedtimes, I actually look forward to this moment as a highlight of my day. Not because my children will soon be asleep, but because I get to connect so completely with them. One of my children has already fallen into her own routine and no longer joins us. My middle-est comes on some nights, and not on others. I realize that the youngest has years and years left of bedtime stories, but motherhood the third time comes with the knowledge that this is not a forever way of life, but a fleeting journey.